i wouldn't even know where to begin to explain the reasons for these emotions, and i have been contemplating even blogging about it at all...but i have resolved to explain what i have learned this week-through those emotions- while not revealing every single detail about my life (mainly because that is just not what i want this whole blog thing to be about). i have gone through phases of using this blog as a way to "update" friends and family about my crazy, all-over-the-place life, but who am i kidding- most of my closest friends (and most members of my family) don't even know what a blog is. i have realized that i have instead attracted a curious audience of fellow bloggers who seem to enjoy this not-so-creepy form of voyeurism as much as i do. so to whoever my audience may be, i hope you enjoy this re-direction [of the purpose] of my blog as much as i plan to enjoy posting on it. hopefully i will do better with posting now that the first year of law is behind me. thank God.
so back to the purpose of this post. purpose- i really like that word. i like it because it perfectly describes what God has been revealing to me this week. like what it looks like to run passionately after God and HIS desires/purpose for my life and what it feels like when i lose sight of that. and what it does to my everyday thoughts, motives, and actions when i am not living with the passion that God put inside of me. I am not the most patient or laid back person, anyone who knows me well can attest to that. I am working on it. (I actually am fairly laid back compared to my type-A friends in law school, but i realize that's probably not a very accurate measurement). But i also know there is something inside of me that craves for more than complacency-which can often be misinterpreted as being patient and/or laid back- in my life. And as much as I hate to admit, in the past few months I had begun to crave my own desires and comfort more than I craved to know what God's desire for my life looks like, mainly out of fear that His plan may not include certain luxuries that i think i need or deserve, like a husband...a nice house...maybe even a boat...a lucrative job...a comfortable life in general. The good thing about God is that He still has the same plan for our lives now that He has had since he created us (with our own unique passions), despite what we think we His plan should shape up to be...and when He knows that our heart's greatest desire really is to do what would please Him, he wont let us get too comfortable in our "complacency" before he gently rips it out from under us. And trust me, it sucks. well, at first. until you realize...as i have this week...what His ultimate purpose in that is- to get our mind and heart back to HIM, and Him alone. He wants to be our first love, and He will do whatever it takes to get us back to that place. (see Rev. 2:2-4)
so that being said, i am working on re-directing my focus, desires, and passions back to the things that HE desires...for my life, for this world, for His kingdom. and I know he has given me desires of my own--like my intense desire to get married. the desire to minister to high schoolers. the desire to speak to massive groups of people one day about things He has revealed to me through the Holy Spirit. the desire to have kids...and to raise them the way i was raised. the desire to save children from human traffiking. But I want to be sure that those desires truly ARE from Him and not simply my own. Because without God, they will always be mere desires. Only He can turn those desires into realities. And what an unfathomably awesome reality they will each be if they are His. I truly can't wait.
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